Where does confidence come from? Who are those women that you look at and say, “Oh my GOD! Where does she get that confidence from?”
Lori Kirstein is a Performance-Based Business Communication and Confidence Coach based in Cincinnati, Ohio. A former Good Girl, Lori now helps Women Leaders all over the world and we talk to her about what makes certain females confident.
Jennifer Lawrence? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Stacy Abrams? What are they pulling from that makes them so courageous and confident, even in the face of enormous push-back and even of failure?
It’s not mysterious. What it is, is challenging. Let’s take a look at three of the places from which confidence rises in even the most shy and retiring of women.
Knowing what you know about yourself, and sticking to it.
When I say “sticking to it”, I mean not being thrown by another’s opinion of you. What I don’t mean is to be close-minded and rigid. If someone around you makes a point that leads you to re-think your position, that’s all well and good. But what you don’t want to do is to be easily swayed by every contrary opinion that comes your way.
Do you know that your position on cruelty toward children – being very, very much against it – supersedes every other consideration? Then from that place you make your choices and your decisions. You don’t bend that opinion in order to be liked.
Understanding that holding your position does not mean that you have to yell.
Speaking your truth with simplicity is far more powerful than yelling. It is like The Matrix’s Neo lifting his hand toward the incoming bullets and saying, softly and with finality, “No,” and the bullets stopping, and then falling to the ground.
That is what knowing your truth is like. That is what it is about.
If there is anything that makes you feel defensive or angry in defending your position, that is your cue to think about why your position is still right for you, or where it may need to adjust. It is your cue also to consider the source. Did the message that came into your field of consciousness come from someone that you respect, or know and like? If not, take a step back! They have not yet earned enough of your respect to take their position so seriously!
Believing that your purpose is bigger than you.
It is far easier to step forward for another than it is for ourselves. That is, until we understand that when we do step forward for ourselves, it is for everyone who witnesses our efforts, and our successes, and how we meet our failures.
Do you know the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”? At the end, Zuzu says, “Look, Daddy! Teacher says, ‘Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings!’ “
And what happens when an angel gets his wings? Well, I always imagined it meant he could help more people at a time. The same is true of you. In any moment that you can encourage yourself to say the truth, in even the quietest of voices, in the midst of a boardroom, or a bedroom, you get your wings and you become energetically and emotionally someone that other women instinctively know they can trust.
You become a teacher simply by being who you are. It’s a place of incredible power for others, born of that incredible confidence you are building a choice at a time, a risk at a time.
Confidence is about knowing who you are and about letting go of the need to gain approval or permission from others in order to be exactly who you are. Is that a difficult game? Yes of course! But is it doable? Ab-so-LUTE-ly!
Try it. You will most definitely like it!
Lori Kirstein is a Performance-Based Business Communication and Confidence Coach based in Cincinnati, Ohio. A former Good Girl, Lori now helps Women Leaders create and present breakout speeches, presentations, and empowered interpersonal business communications, on stage and off! You can sign up for her White Paper, “The Top Self-Expression Power Fixes for Women Leaders”, at her website, as well as request a consultation.